Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Happy Birthday to me

I just didn’t feel it. Birthday came, birthday went. No bang, boom, blast in my heart. This is a first. Back in school, two days before my birthday it was difficult for my teacher to keep me still in my seat, for my mother to retain my attention during homework time and for me to focus on games. Closer than that, even last year, I felt it.
This year I am numb. Numbed by age? Numbed by the fact that my life has so recently undergone a massive change? Numbed by the lack of feeling within, a proud outcome of broken bonds? I search but I’m not getting lucky. “What’s up?” I ask myself. My mum understood exactly what I meant when I confided in her, careful to not let her feel that she is to blame. She instantly went on this guilt trip, “I know beta, maybe I haven’t done enough to make it fun for you.” No ma!! Nobody is responsible for this feeling that has hopped beside me for 23 years before and during my big day. It’s something very internal and involuntary. And she knew. Wow!

Am I becoming into one of those cynical, prosaic, moaning grown ups who crib about birthdays and feel no joy in celebrating one more year of life gone by? No! No! No! Not that! I won’t be able to take the dulling of my character. I’ll hate myself then. What happened to the defender of childlike, instinctive, happy, lollipop/ice cream- loving behaviour? Where’s that child who was wont to hop about excitedly when her birthday approached and couldn’t stop grinning the whole day? Where’s the fun? Where will I find it again?

I feel like my life is grey. Reasons, I don’t want to think about. Just a huge blob of grey paint plopped on my canvas and rubbed, smeared, stroked, spread in all directions. It’s not even pretty like an exciting and hopeful overcast sky. It’s an industrial grey, like in Charles Dickens’s Hard Times. Maybe I’m a character from it, born in the future to represent that dullness never ends.

There was a cake, friends, presents, phone calls, fabulous food, love, wishes and prayers. But something was absent. Perhaps it was me.


Anna said...

Hey Rags deeply written but I can sense that things are not quite alright. All I can say is keep up the faith..this to shall pass :-) Keep smiling...Dil Se :-)

Babushka said...

You know what??? I finally found someone who feels the same way about one's birthday like I do. Except that that was exactly how I felt last year. To the extent that I hated it.

Even the industrialized grey will pass like on a windy day.

Ragini said...

Anna & Babs: I hope my next birthday is better. It is the only second thing after Christmas that I look foward to. Clutching on to the faith that getting older is not such a bad thing as long as I age youthfully :)

Shreez said...

kinda know what you mean, you need to come up to kodai and chill...
ps - sorry for not wishing you, dont know when it is :(
happy belated birthday...will call you tom, to chat :)

push said...

Too many expectations we have from those 24 hours, and when it doesnt work out the way we wanted it just..well..makes you feel weird.

God. I make no sense.

clueless comrades said...


edson_dias said...

a bit bilated, but here goes.. many happy returns of the day. :-)

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