Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Moving Out

I did it!
And hell it wasn't easy!
Indian women aren't supposed to do that you know. I found out. But somehow, anything that has a "supposed to" attached to it loses my interest faster that a jet plane. So I'm the black sheep now, ousted from the family for taking my life in my own hands and paving a path for myself which wasn't trimmed by others. They don't want me back. Well, I say, you can't get rid of me that easily! I may have gone, but I certainly haven't gone.

Tell me, why do you have to wage a world war to get what makes you happy? And most unfortunately, against people you love and who claim to love you??? Why do you have to fight so hard to be free, to just let be? I always knew that freedom came at a price, but I see a lot of other people enjoying it without paying a dime. A wise man often told me, "Good things in life never come easy." You're damn right! So far, nothing's been coming easy to me for a long long time. Or maybe it just seems long because it's tough and tough times just seem so long. Ah well, you know what I mean.

I have a small place. Nothing fancy. It's not even completely my own because the landlord and lady live nextdoor and there's no way I can avoid bumping into them everyday. They've been rather sweet so far. But that scares me too. What if that sweetness becomes stifling someday and the same things that I was seeking to escape cling on to me with a vengeance??

There's a lot of work to do to make the little space I call home, a home. The personal touch needs to come and the rules of privacy need to be established and understood by people around me. But I'm tired. However, the only thing that has kept me going are my friends. If it hadn't been for this wonderful gang of insane women, I'd be so alone. You need an alternate support system when your first one walks away in anger.

Sometimes, I'm too tired to even feel sad or maybe it's the other way around.

All I know is....I'm free. And at the end of the day, in spite of my occasional loneliness, my perpetual impoverishment, my struggles, dejection and constant rejection by the family, I am happy. For myself. And that's all that matters. Because if I don't look out for myself, who will?

It keeps playing, in the back of my mind......"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."

11 comments:

Babushka said...

wow... it was a post that left me with mixed feelings!

And even I can't understand for the life of me why a worldwar needs to be waged to get something you direly want/need!

Lluvia.... said...

I empathise with you. I had to do it two years back. I came back. I hope you have the strength to keep going.;)

Chinmay Malaviya said...

To think of it from a very unbiased view ,I wont have supported it either.But now that you have really decided so, keep me updated with the time and years to come .

bushra said...

voilaaa....i wish i were thr...i knw u will tk cre of urself like nobody evr will/evr had. in shrt, I AM PROUD OF U!! u have a long way to go..m cravn to come ovr to ur plce..stay cheerd up :) hav fun..miss ya gal..

bushra said...

piece of advce : trust ur judgement and dnt mess up anythng beyond th point whr from u can't take a u turn and drive back.

Ragini said...

Babs: I think there is no logical explanation for that, sadly.

Lluvia: Why did you go back??

Chinu: Hmmm....interestingly, most boys I know haven't really supported me in this. Makes me wonder if you men feel threatened if women starting doing the things that you're known to do...

Bush: Giggle! Don't worry, I'll take care of myself and any other who comes into my sanctuary for peace. I have trusted my judgement so far and it's gotten me into a decent spot. Come soon.

Deepshikha said...

Hey Rags!!! Congratulations on a new beginning ..You are bold, courageous & super honest to yourself...I know it'll hurt a lot parents, siblings but you gotta keep going & do what you really want to do :)Things at home will be fine in a while, even if they feel betrayed right now...don't worry my luv...

Chinmay Malaviya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chinmay Malaviya said...

Its no way a sexist debate ,so you dont have to come out aligning every issue to that..
even if you had been a boy Rags,invited same from my side ...

Harsha said...

Very well done. Going for what you want requires a lot of courage and I am glad you have it in you.

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