I did it!
And hell it wasn't easy!
Indian women aren't supposed to do that you know. I found out. But somehow, anything that has a "supposed to" attached to it loses my interest faster that a jet plane. So I'm the black sheep now, ousted from the family for taking my life in my own hands and paving a path for myself which wasn't trimmed by others. They don't want me back. Well, I say, you can't get rid of me that easily! I may have gone, but I certainly haven't gone.
Tell me, why do you have to wage a world war to get what makes you happy? And most unfortunately, against people you love and who claim to love you??? Why do you have to fight so hard to be free, to just let be? I always knew that freedom came at a price, but I see a lot of other people enjoying it without paying a dime. A wise man often told me, "Good things in life never come easy." You're damn right! So far, nothing's been coming easy to me for a long long time. Or maybe it just seems long because it's tough and tough times just seem so long. Ah well, you know what I mean.
I have a small place. Nothing fancy. It's not even completely my own because the landlord and lady live nextdoor and there's no way I can avoid bumping into them everyday. They've been rather sweet so far. But that scares me too. What if that sweetness becomes stifling someday and the same things that I was seeking to escape cling on to me with a vengeance??
There's a lot of work to do to make the little space I call home, a home. The personal touch needs to come and the rules of privacy need to be established and understood by people around me. But I'm tired. However, the only thing that has kept me going are my friends. If it hadn't been for this wonderful gang of insane women, I'd be so alone. You need an alternate support system when your first one walks away in anger.
Sometimes, I'm too tired to even feel sad or maybe it's the other way around.
All I know is....I'm free. And at the end of the day, in spite of my occasional loneliness, my perpetual impoverishment, my struggles, dejection and constant rejection by the family, I am happy. For myself. And that's all that matters. Because if I don't look out for myself, who will?
It keeps playing, in the back of my mind......"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."