The quarter life crisis as they call it. What does it mean? Is my life really divided in parts? Has anything changed since I leapt from the other side of the cliff to this one? Have I become older? Will the aging process that most of us live in dread of, begin showing its ugly signs? Will I lose my youthfulness, my spirit, that spring in my step, my valued spontaneity? Will I now start thinking twice before doing what I like doing? Is now the time for marriage proposals to come streaming in, making me uncomfortable? Am I marked out more visibly now as a ripe (soon to be over-ripe) product in the market? Is my new name 'aunty' till the day I die? Will my pride in my sexuality and the expression of it now be seen as horny, sleazy and slutty?
I ponder. It frightens me sometimes, thinking of how things will tranform. How my skin will sag, how my knees will give in and I will be able to run or dance no more. How I shall be expected to dress according to my age - in dull pastel shades of sarees and salwar kameezs - whether I like it or not. If I don't marry till I'm 30, will I be shoved into the 'unwanted woman' drawer, where perhaps many files will be lying just like mine? If I flirt with boys younger to me, will I be called 'Desperate Aunty' and if they flirt with me and I welcome their interest, will I be tagged as a paedophile? If I squeeze into that tight dress and go clubbing, dancing with a glass of rum in my hand, will I seem disgraceful and dishonourable? What if I'm 35 and alone? No love, no companionship, and most of all, no space for a grown up woman to be herself and to hold on to her youth, slipping from her wrinkly fingers. What if being young is a characteristic trait and not a phase of life? What if she can still enjoy an ice cream at 40 and yearn for it like a child? How can you extract that trait as you age when it's a part of you? Then it probably just trickles down to a battle against societal norms to defend something that it savours taking away from you - the privileges of the young.
I am scared. But what comforts me is that I'm not the only one out here.