Friday, January 02, 2009
I’ve been watching the sun on its way down. Strange that it reminds me of me. When it rose, the world was filled with hope of a bright, sunny, warm day. It shone inspite of the cold, grey clouds and when it came overhead, it was at its best. The fall from the high is the toughest. It sunk lower and lower and lower, and perhaps it cried. But I saw no tears, only sadness, stark sadness in the dim orange which once was blazing. It hid behind a tree as it descended from its throne. Everyone needs something to hide behind when they’re sad. No one likes to be seen crying, at least I don’t. First I saw it hovering over the top branches. Five minutes later, it was lost somewhere amidst the intricate form of the tree, from where I lost it behind the massive trunk. It’s gone. I cannot see its definite shape any longer. What remains is the light it still manages to emanate. How can an invisible sun still leave behind light? Is that the magnificent power of the great giver of life on Earth? Amazing.
I am this sun. They all saw great things in me. Plans were made, my future was drafted and the words “winner” and “leader” were engraved onto my forehead. I kept it up with great pride and efficiency, giving way to the shortcomings of my being now and then. I was loved, revered and respected. They all thought I knew what had to be done all the time and I’d tell them too. I was the ‘doer’. I had plans too. I started believing them. “Hey, they think I’m wonderful…maybe I am…maybe I can do great things…maybe I am meant to do great things….maybe I was especially created for a mission….maybe I just need to settle on my cause and the way will light up on its own…” I wonder if confidence really is a good thing.
I am lost. I managed to keep standing while the earthquake rocked the world around me. But what’s so terrific about still standing? Stand? I can barely stand. I’m tottering. Unstable. Disconnected with myself and the outer world. I don’t know what’s happening inside me. People smile and ask me, “What’s happening with you?” I look blank. I’d pay them to find out what’s happening with me, it’d give me a clue. I’m on a skateboard fast wheeling downhill. Managed to keep myself on it, but a nasty fall stares me in the face. I’m waving my arms around to regain balance and control, even reaching out to clutch at something that might help me survive. But it all slips from my fingers. The icy air gives me blows in the face while my hair flies around wildly, out of control, just like me.
I want out. I do. I don’t want to be stuck in the pit forever. Other people seem to solve their mazes pretty easily, for some it isn’t that easy, but they do find their path in the end. I wonder if I’ll do too. Right now, the picture is bleak. I cannot control my anger, it engulfs me completely and I hate the whole world who’s out there to persecute me (largely imaginary). I lash out at others when it’s totally uncalled for, refuse to bury quarrels and others’ mistakes, and find cruel relief in punishing them. And I seem to punish them by tormenting myself, which leaves me more miserable than before and hence, I’m back where I started, only worse this time. I’ve caught myself in this crazy circle. Can I dig myself out of it?
Optimism irritates me. “Everything will be alright” has got to be the most over-used and least meaningful expression of the century and I have a rifle ready for anyone who sums up my situation with that. Its annoying how every tom, dick and harry has been sending me ‘Happy New Year’, quite obvious that it was sent out as a group email or SMS, nothing personalized about it, just an obligation, a formality. Do they even mean what they’re saying? Is it such a big reason to be happy and dance about like a kangaroo? The only thing it brings about is a change of calendar. Nothing else changes – poverty, pollution, wildlife extinction, crime, unemployment, cultural deterioration, sexism. Oh yeah, it’s also the time to take down Christmas decorations, an activity I keep miles away from. What could be more depressing than the end of celebration, back to dull life which has nothing worth celebrating anymore?
I am brain dead. Nothing motivates me. Nothing interests me. Nothing makes me completely happy. Even if I smile for a moment, sadness paces the ground of my mind in the background. I am not wholesome. I am dead.