Thursday, March 27, 2008

A Single Car goes Far
I've been single for 1 year, 6 days now. I must say it left me quite a wreck. Crying into my pillow every night helped me save on water and detergent, while cleansing my vision of all toxins and dust particles that may have gathered in the course of the day. Thank God for my naturally jovial countenance, I could manage to escape uncomfortable questions and excessive condolensces, that only etched the word 'widow' into my forehead. Basketball helped of course, it always does. Better than any counselling or movie or party. When I played, I ONLY played. The past, present and future blurred away and only the basket remained with clear, defined outlines.
A common post-break-up tendency is to reach out to another specimen of the opposite sex to perhaps replace the lost one. Well, I gave it a few shots, but it didn't really turn out to be as soothing as I'd expected.

I love time. What a wonderful doctor! You don't have to do anything and it gradually rubs out the sharp edges till they become blunt and eventually fade into the background. Other things come to the fore and a transition of focus and perspective happens. The smile becomes more real and the sparkle in the eye reappears, just as the laughter reaches a crescendo again. Life becomes green. Fertile, promising, exciting and sunny.

Ok, now time's done something funny. I have been an unrelated observer of great woe and misery. Woe and misery of those who are "double." Fights, long-distance tensions, insecurities, "if you don't talk to me every night, I'll be angry" attitudes, "why're you talking to your ex-s, I want you to stop this minute" arguments and so on. I have, in some instances, been called to unfurl the white flag of peace in the midst of a fiery couple on the verge of disaster; not a very smooth situation. I have carefully surveyed the loss of individual freedom when 2 people become "double." Activities like reading, hanging out with friends, going off alone on short trips, making decisions for yourself, and 500 other things that one used to do before jumping down the well, are rubbed out from the calendar of life. The oldest of friends lose first place to someone known for 5 months, who'll probably cause more pain than all your friends put together in a lifetime. Priorities jump onto a rollercoaster and emerge dishevelled and well, different.

It's quite fascinating how this happens. And you know that funny thing that time has done? Well, the formless entity has dug up the sand on the beach of singlehood and made me a delightfully comfortable hole to rest in. Here, I lie. In the complacent shadow of a coconut tree, with the breeze dancing in my hair. And I look out at those poor souls in the waters of "doublehood," struggling to keep afloat, not knowing whether to move their arms or to breathe. Luckily, some have learnt the art and have found a raft to sail away on towards the orange sunset. But most, are still hitting the liquid, which threatens to suck them into nothingness.

I sit and watch, taking occasional sips from my tumbler of iced tea. I see more, hear more, taste more, feel more and touch more, because I'm alone, alone with these sensations. My solitude gives me moments when I can 'sense' and experience things which could've otherwise been lost, had my attention been rivetted by another equally clueless human.
A man walks by and winks at me. I wink back and smile. I allow him to sit with me for a moment. And then I send him off. Because I choose to.

Unfettered am I, the thrill and the power,
Trust me O fellows, a single car goes far.


PS said...

bask in the glory of singledom my friend!! as they say, enjoy it while it lasts:)

Ragini said...

PS: Sigh! Maybe it will end someday. What a pity. But for now, I shall do exactly as you say :)

Babushka said...

i'm gonna say what i said on chat
like many say, things look perfect from far away.. perfect families, perfect marriages, perfect relationships, perfect lives... until you go further and dig deeper. i believe everything has meaning. its either up or down. a stable see saw goes nowhere. it works both ways :)

Ragini said...

Babs: Wah wah wah! Kya philosophy hai ;)
All I can say is, I'm enjoying the present, until someone comes along, lifts me up and flies away with me. I'll enjoy that too :)

Babushka said...

ya! that's THE best thing to do :)

arundhuti said...

My my! as much as i like wat u scribbld, d sittn in ur "hole" under a coconut tree n seeing d world go by... reminds me of a spinster & 2 songs... AK stars in both! Sarfarosh n Dil Chahta Hain, where he mocks love. Like ur friend has rightly pointed out thru d see-saw analogy, there r alwys 2 sides...wen u single u wanna be double n vice-versa.

But u better watch out... lest d coconut falls on ur shaven head! hehhee

ClannZĂș said...

Hmm...this post reminds me of the song "Hail, Hail" by PEARL JAM.

"Is there room enough for both of us ?
Both of us apart ?
Are we bound out of obligation ?
Is that all we've got ?
Get the words, and then I get to thinkin'
I don't wanna think, I wanna feel
How do I feel?
How do I ?...

If you're the only one, will I never be enough ?
Hail, hail the lucky ones, I refer to those in love.

Swore I'd love you till the day I die, ah and beyond...
Are we going to the same place ? If so, can I come ?
It's egg rolling thick and heavy
All the past you carry
Oh, I could be new... you underestimate me

If you're the only one, will I never be enough ?
Hail, hail the lucky ones, I refer to those in love

Sometimes realize, I could only be as good as you'll let me
Are you woman enough to be my man ?
Bandaged hand in hand

I find it on the run in a race that can't be won
All hail the lucky ones, I refer to those in love, yeah
If you're my only one, so could you only one ?
I want to be your one, enough...
Your one...your one...your one... "